


Ivan thinks himself into a bad mood

by alekuzu



Category: Dostoevsky - Fandom, The Brothers Karamazov
Genre: M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2018-12-20 14:16:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11922636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alekuzu/pseuds/alekuzu
Summary: After the meeting with Alyosha, Ivan feels confused and ends up deciding he is angry at Alyosha’s kindness. He corners Alyosha at the monastery and tries to prove how forgiving his brother can be. In an angry attempt to prove there cannot be such love and forgiveness in the world, he would take Alyosha to his limits.





	1. Ivan's revenge

**Author's Note:**

> The infamy. I wrote this mostly because I'm a horrible human being. There are two R18 chapters so yeah, enjoy, if you can.

It was a beautiful evening, but Ivan had no time to notice it. He had decided to go to the monastery. He entered to the enclosure looking for Alyosha, walking in strides to the church, as it was the first building he encountered from the entrance. He looked inside, people were gathering, it seemed like something was taking place soon, he had to find Alyosha immediately so he walked outside, he didn't want to meet the multitude.

He walked around the building and found an entrance, there was a garden inside and no one in sight. He walked through the corridor, until he found another entrance. It was the entrance to the cloister. Through the atrium illuminated by the evening sunlight, he saw a silhouette coming from a door. As it approached under the shade he noticed it was his brother, he started walking towards him.

“Ivan? What are you doing here? Laity is not supposed to enter the cloister.” He said as they met at the end of both aisles.  
“I’ve been looking for you. I need to talk to you.”  
“We are about to hold a Mass. We can talk later if you want.”  
“No.” He replied quickly with anger in his tone. “You had professed love to me, you promised forgiveness. You talk about unconditional love, but you don’t even know me!”  
“I know you well enough, Ivan.” He replied, looking down. Ivan walked to him and Alyosha looked up to find Ivan was only a step in front of him. He leaned forward to place his lips on Alyosha’s. Alyosha closed his eyes, waiting for his brother to step back and give him an explanation, but Ivan didn't step back. He slightly separated his lips from Alyosha’s, just to press them back, his head leaning vaguely to the right. Alyosha could feel how Ivan’s lips playfully touch his, his tongue stroking slowly, making his lips wet, sucking and licking until his tongue made its way through the small gap in Alyosha’s mouth. Alyosha closed his eyes tighter as he found himself playing along Ivan’s game.

Ivan suddenly stopped and stepped back, looking at Alyosha, a warm shade on his face. He glared looking for a reaction, but Alyosha was still, looking into Ivan’s eyes. He was waiting for his action. Ivan looked at Alyosha’s body, trying to read something, his black cassock covering all his body to his feet, his head covered by a skufia, framing his face and highlighting its features. A young face, bright and vivid, dark blonde hair falling on his forehead and ears, dark grey eyes. His cheeks round and slightly pink coloured. For some reason those rosy cheeks made Ivan angry this time, and the way they end in a delicate jaw, he couldn't stand how pure and seductive it looked. He leaned again and kissed this spot delicately, tasting his skin for a second. Alyosha stayed still, feeling Ivan’s lips on his neck, looking away while Ivan slowly went down his neck with soft and delicate kisses.

He took a glimpse at Alyosha: His face showed an uneasy expression, his eyes slightly looking away, full with confusion and curiosity. They tried to follow Ivan’s eyes but he noticed and turned his face again, as if a gaze could be too revealing. He leaded Alyosha a couple of steps back, against the wall in a small and dark apse.

He kissed Alyosha’s neck, licking slowly and sucking it. Alyosha let a small moan out. Ivan knew what this meant to him, it was just what he needed to hear: Alyosha was enjoying it. A slight smile drew on Ivan’s face. Alyosha couldn't possibly be as perfect as he seemed. The sudden realize that he was right all along excited him, and he embraced Alyosha, pulling him closer, grabbing his head, hair between his fingers, caressing his back, his waist, all Alyosha’s body under his robe was so provocative. He was amused, astonished and slightly self-conscious. He wouldn't have imagined that holding his little brother like this would be so pleasant.

Pride and egocentrism. Righteous and wickedness, everything under his control felt so good. Or that's what he thought. He couldn't quite describe the feeling that drove him forward, but he couldn't stop, he didn't want to let go of this feeling. It pushed him, his heartbeat felt stronger, his breath heavier, and Alyosha’s warm breath on his left ear gave him a clue of what he should do next.

With the confidence he gained, he stopped for a moment to contemplate the face of the novice. It looked timid and clueless, his dark grey eyes looking into his for something, a word, an explanation, comfort, anything; but Ivan’s eyes told none of this. He contemplated this image of victory. His eyes went from Alyosha’s hair downside and he noticed something: On his chest was a crucifix, hanging from his neck. He took the it without saying a word and hid it in one of Alyosha's pockets. It was gone. It was gone and Alyosha didn't seem to care about it, in fact, it looked like he agreed. It was true that his eyes were still confused and quite disturbed, but his silence granted Ivan the permission and the right to continue doing as he pleased.

It took only a couple of seconds and kisses, stroking with playful hands waist, hips and buttocks. Ivan heard Alyosha’s excited breathing, it made his desire rise and he wanted to hear more. He decided it was time for the next move; he grabbed Alyosha and made him sit on the niche of the wall he was keeping him against, and shamelessly pulled Alyosha’s legs to the height of his hips, his robe all up now.

The bells chimed in the adjacent building. Two chimes resounded first followed by a pause, several chimes that finally ended in two single chimes. Alyosha knew he should be in the church by now but instead Ivan had unfastened his belt and trousers, and now he was taking Alyosha’s pants and underwear off.

Alyosha was exposed, several folds on his waist. He could feel Ivan’s body now with his own bare skin. It felt so wrong, so he held Ivan’s back with both arms like in an embrace. He was worried, but he trusted his older brother. He was afraid, but not of him, not of letting him know how he enjoyed his warmth, letting him hear his heavy and excited breath. Ivan had been shaking his arm, but Alyosha dared not to look, resting his head on Ivan’s shoulder. He felt one of Ivan’s hands on his thighs. He shivered at his touch, he could't contain himself and he felt several sensations concentrating hardly between his thighs. He was overwhelmed and his eyes were closed tightly. He would have thought this was all a dream if it weren't for this new sensation: He felt something hard and wet, teasing his entrance. He whimpered as it slowly made its way inside of him, pre-cum barely making it possible. His eyes got teary, but Ivan kept pushing in slowly and slightly out to make sure he spread his pre-cum over the delicate skin of Alyosha’s entrance.

He took Alyosha’s hand, placed it on Alyosha’s own length and he started stroking, guiding Alyosha’s timid hand. Overwhelming, unacceptable. Those kind of thoughts went through Alyosha’s mind and he hid his face on Ivan’s chest, his body slightly moving with each of Ivan’s thrusts. He was ashamed, ashamed of admitting Ivan’s hand let his go a while ago, and he was touching himself at his own will and he liked it. He liked feeling Ivan’s hips and his warm, wet and hard dick moving inside him. It was the worst. He never thought that after reuniting with his brother only some months ago he would be lead to such a moment of intimacy, something he had been avoiding for so long and now it came from the most unexpected source. He trembled, it was getting hot and sweaty, but the thrusts got smoother and the feeling stronger. He had been calling the name of Ivan unintentionally, and louder than he would have intended in any other situation inside the monastery.

He was rounding Ivan’s hips with his legs, barely aware of the strength of his grip and barely aware of the expression on his face. Ivan had been glancing at it. He heard Alyosha call his name: “Vanya” He said out, a couple of moans following. This was the first time he had called him like that. Alyosha was aware of this and smiled at him. Ivan wasn't ready for this. He was confused and his whole body and face were showing it. He felt Alyosha’s fingers though his hair, stroking then his face with his left hand. “Don’t stop.” He asked. Ivan felt doubtful, but the moans and Alyosha’s firm grip pushed him forth, and back, and without meaning it he felt Alyosha’s warm cum on his belly. He had never seen him like that. “Ahhh, Vanya” he managed to say, his legs pulling Ivan closer, as if it were possible.

Far from losing his composure at the reversed situation, this aroused Ivan and he found himself smiling at his brother’s pleasure. The new feeling of joy let Ivan focus only in his own physical stimulation. He realized how good it actually felt inside Alyosha, seeing his smiling face. He was hot between Alyosha’s thighs and he was ready to finish. He let a large moan as he finished inside him. He heard a grunt from Alyosha. It was wet and sticky. Alyosha waited for Ivan to pull himself out of him, his face showed pain. Perhaps he was hurting; perhaps he had realized what he had done.

The bells had chimed again. There were no words. Ivan glanced looking for Alyosha’s eyes, but he was looking down, accommodating his clothes back where they should be. Ivan did the same. The chimes continued. Something started hurting on his chest, as he couldn't meet his brother’s eyes. “What have I done to my Lyosha!” he thought, trying to hide his heavy breath. Finally, Alyosha got up and met Ivan’s eyes. He moved quickly and embraced Ivan, arms around his neck. It only lasted a couple of seconds, the last three chimes. He kissed Ivan on the lips, then stepped back and left the cloister running. He was barely on time for Mass.

Ivan looked at Alyosha leaving. What happened there? He went to the monastery full of anger, looking for some kind of revenge, revenge on God, revenge on life and His world and he was left there more confused than he was before. However, somehow his heart was content with this result: He did not mean to hurt Alyosha, but he was willing to, and that is something he would not forgive himself, ever. This unexpected outcome gave him the satisfaction for the first time in his life: He was proven wrong. He was wrong about love and he was wrong about Alyosha. There was hope.


	2. Ivan's disease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After overthinking his encounter with Alyosha, Ivan feels guilty. No matter how many good things might happen in his life, his neurotic mind will not allow him to create a connection. He will always feel lonely.

The hope that Ivan had found in his encounter with Alyosha was slowly destroying him, paradoxically. All the things he had always believed in were being tested by the quiet and enigmatic attitude of his little brother. He felt rather guilty. He had been thinking about it all night long: He made Alyosha do a terrible thing in order to satisfy his own selfish wishes. He wanted to know what Alyosha’s motives to stay calm and quiet were. It seemed like he was only accepting everything Ivan did to him, there was not much to read in his passive behaviour and this bothered Ivan. It was true that he had demonstrated he “forgives” Ivan, but what were his real thoughts? What were his wishes? It felt like he was only agreeing and accepting Ivan’s attitude just to get rid of him. This was the conclusion he had come to.

He remembered how he could never make a true deep connection with Alyosha. Many times before, he looked at him, interacting with other people, smiling and exchanging words. His words, which were always full with love and compassion, being directed to anyone but him. He remembered all of this with sorrow. He could not stand how they shared the same father and mother, and yet they were so different and distant. He specially despised how other people approached Alyosha and quickly befriended him; they gained his affection and compassion in such an easy way, Ivan could only shut himself and look with disdain. He preferred to stay away because of this, he did not want to ruin Alyosha’s happiness, and he would usually shut himself away, thinking about these unpleasant feelings and trying to comprehend why he experienced them.

In their childhood, they were together in their father’s house only for Alyosha’s first four years of life, but Ivan remembered this perfectly. He remembered this small child in his mother’s arms. He contemplated this image in front of him, but he felt distant instead. He wanted to be part of it, he wanted to hold this child like his mother did, his resting face so peaceful, bathed with the sunlight through the window; the scene filled the room, the world with peace. He could only describe it now as if an invisible bright light filled his body and there was only quietness.

He was delighted and frightened at the same time. He felt he was not suited for this, that he did not deserve to hold such a pure and beautiful creature. He tried only a couple of times, but he quickly became self-aware of his clumsy way of holding and playing with the child, compared to his mother, who seemed to know everything about taking care of a child. As time passed, she would snatch the child from Ivan’s arms when she found them together. She had become more perturbed and she would cry a lot and laugh while holding Alyosha, with tears on her eyes. She soon became ill and she stubbornly asked the servants to bring Alyosha to her side and leave them alone. She passed away when Alyosha was four.  

He remembered all of this with sadness. There he was, his little novice. He had chosen a path that was the most fulfilling for him, he was eager for something sublime, and Ivan was happy for him. He was happy Alyosha could finally find something to believe in, something to put all his love into. He knew he had made Alyosha do something awful and he was worried it would bring his beliefs into question. He had absolutely no right to stand in the way of his brother’s happiness.

He locked himself, thinking about all sort of things, what would he say to Alyosha next time they met? He spent a couple of evenings alone deciding on this matter. When he finally made up his mind –it would be better to say he finally gathered the courage to face his fear and accept the blame–, he went to the monastery.

He found Alyosha in the church this time, he was on his knees praying. Ivan waited for him at the doors of the small building. When the novices finished, they headed to the cloister, Alyosha spotted Ivan at the door and went to him instead. He had not seen Ivan in days after their last encounter and he was a little worried. He happily greeted Ivan while walking outside the church where they could sit and talk alone, letting him know his concern; but Ivan seemed rather thoughtful. He was not good at faking emotions, especially positive ones.

He tried to explain Alyosha, poorly, why he was upset and apologized for their last encounter. Alyosha did not quite understand Ivan’s reasoning, but he understood Ivan was feeling bad about what he did last time they met. He tried to calm him down and reassure him, telling him it was all right and nothing will change between them, he made a promise and he was keeping it: He would love Ivan forever. Besides, it did not really affect his spiritual life in a higher level; he was, after all, just showing “love and forgiveness” to one of the closest persons in his life, perhaps the most important in the order of bonds. Ivan felt deeply touched, but he could not forget all the things he had been thinking alone since their encounter. He wanted to be special to Alyosha and he wanted to feel reassured, and the only thing that crossed his mind was to ask Alyosha to prove his love the way he had done before: He asked him for a kiss. Alyosha did not hesitate and kissed Ivan’s lips. There was sorrow in Ivan’s heart that could only be eased when he held and kissed Alyosha. He could not quite understand why, or to describe the feelings in his chest. He felt like he could cry in any moment, so he just kept on kissing Alyosha, caressing his hair, his back. He felt eased at last by the warmth of Alyosha’s body. He put his hands on Alyosha’s thighs, but Alyosha asked him to stop. He was quite embarrassed and reluctant at what he had decided, but he told Ivan to leave this place and follow him to the cloister. “Just make sure nobody sees you”.

\---

They kept seeing each other, in the monastery, in their father’s house. Most of the times, as day passed, Ivan started asking Alyosha to hold him. He liked laying on Alyosha’s lap and he often fell asleep, Alyosha caressing his head. They talked about mundane matters, barely touching deep subjects, as if it would scare them somehow. They did not even mentioned the fact that they were like lovers. However, the inevitable came and they were talking about their plans for the future.

“You will eventually become a monk.”  
“Will you visit me?”  
“I will.” Alyosha sighed after hearing this.  
_“You won’t. You will leave to Moscow.”_ He thought of saying, but instead he just smiled at him.

Before the episode in the monastery, whenever they interacted, Alyosha seemed to avoid Ivan’s eyes and was rather quiet and distant. However, he would always offer Ivan this slight smile, warm but timid. That tender expression on his face was quite sad to Ivan’s eyes. He never used that expression with anyone else but him, so Ivan wondered if there was a hidden meaning on it, something Alyosha could only tell to him. He always wished to get closer to Alyosha and now he had a chance, but he was not taking much out of it but the momentary soothe of holding Alyosha in his arms.

Being at their home especially brought Ivan many memories, some of them sad, some of them joyful. He often got lost in thought, touching Alyosha’s hand, his hair, whatever made him feel like they were together now and not distant children as they used to be when they lived there.

“Remember when I used to sit you my lap? You were so small.” Alyosha just smiled. He did not know what Ivan was talking about; there was no way he could remember something that happened so many years ago, when he was only a toddler. He sat on Ivan’s lap. Ivan laughed because of the tickles he felt on his legs holding Alyosha’s weight. He was a grown up man after all. “What?” Ivan glanced at Alyosha, contemplating how different he was from the image he mentioned. He was astonished at how he still conserved that bright face full of love that filled him with peace, and he felt blessed that he could finally hold Alyosha so close, without anybody interrupting; just looking into his eyes was delightful enough. “You’re so good, Alyosha.” He said as he grabbed him closer.

Ivan often stayed quiet; he did not say much when they shared intimacy. It seemed like he was sunk in deep thought and contemplation. Alyosha usually interpreted this calmness as a state of happiness, but he wished Ivan would speak out his thoughts, he wished to know more about what was going through Ivan’s mind when they were together. His quiet and contemplative nature did not help either, so he just stayed on Ivan’s lap. He leaned and placed his head on Ivan’s. He closed his eyes for a while, and then he heard a small sound: Ivan was crying. This surprised Alyosha. “Vanya, Vanya, what’s wrong?” He said, slightly turning his head and touching Ivan’s cheek. “It’s nothing. Just let me hold you.”


	3. Resilience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very short one. Things get more complicated in Ivan's mind and it's driving both of them to their limits.

Ivan was quite embarrassed that he let Alyosha see him crying. He was the older one; he was supposed to be Alyosha’s guide and support, and not a burden. He did not even understand why he felt so bad about their relationship; he was not even sure that was the cause of his distress. He was only sure about one thing: He loved Alyosha; but, was that enough reason to keep causing both of them so much prejudice?

He was ashamed and overwhelmed. He had never felt something like this before and so strongly. His chest ached whenever he lost himself in his thoughts, thinking of Alyosha and how much he wanted to hold his hands, kiss his lips and embrace him until his suffering ended. Alyosha was his source of happiness and, conversely, he was the cause of his suffering. He madly loved Alyosha sometimes, and in the next second, he despised him. Although it was not Alyosha who he despised, he despised himself for loving Alyosha the way he did. He despised everything he felt inside and towards Alyosha. He hated that he felt everything so deeply and that he depended so much on Alyosha to be happy, while Alyosha did not need him in any way.

He was perturbed and he started acting hostile against Alyosha without any explanation. Alyosha just stayed calm, he knew Ivan had a complex inner conflict. He knew he felt guilty and ashamed. He also knew Ivan had a special addiction to finding everything bad in himself, bashing, shaming, hating everything of him that he thought was wrong. Ivan was always reserved. He never shared these kind of thoughts with anyone; but Alyosha knew. He kept on reading the few leads, the few words Ivan let out, his body expression, his actions. All of this gave Alyosha a good idea of what was going on Ivan’s head, that is why he stayed still and waited for Ivan’s rage to be over.

He always waited for Ivan’s return, and he always did. He returned to Alyosha, ashamed, willing to apologize sincerely. It was hard for Alyosha to cheer him up and make him feel better. He tried everything: Comforting him with words, kisses, caresses, anything that came to his mind. He straddled Ivan’s legs, kissed his neck and started taking his jacket off but Ivan stopped him.

“Don’t do it.”  
“I thought you liked it.” Alyosha said, looking down embarrassed.   
“I do.” Ivan replied, blushing. “But I don’t want you to do this because of me.”   
Alyosha resigned and moved away, hoping that Ivan would be content just by cuddling or anything, but Ivan took his arm.  
“You’re a good boy.” He said, pulling him back.

It was always this kind of dynamics. Being with Ivan was like a rollercoaster. Alyosha played a submissive role in order to satisfy Ivan’s controlling ego but no matter how much he tried, Ivan was not getting any better. It was almost as if Alyosha’s love and compassion made Ivan more upset and volatile. He got angry and hostile more often, and in the same way he came back saddened and ashamed.

\--

Ivan was upset and mad at himself because he could not stop his love for Alyosha. He wanted to keep Alyosha for himself and he knew it was wrong in every way. He tried to distance himself from Alyosha, being mean to him, finding any excuse to hate him and leave him; but he knew deep down he was only lying to himself. By the time he left or he arrived home he was already regretful, full of sadness for having done such a mean and horrible thing to Alyosha, who did nothing but try to help Ivan all the time. This way he spent a lot of time in regret and sorrow that soon became physically painful.   

It was not easy for Alyosha either. He knew how to handle Ivan’s rages most of the time, but it was still a bitter experience. He usually felt drained and sad when Ivan left angry or mad at him. He loved Ivan more than he would want to and more than he ever intended. He wanted to help and make him happy, and he was convinced he was the only one who could do it; so no matter how much it hurt, he kept doing his best.

But one man have only so much resilience.

“It would be easier for me to tell you to stop coming, but I can’t…” Alyosha looked down, his eyes teary. “I love you too much. I would do anything for you.”  
“And I would do anything to get away from you!” Ivan immediately yelled. “I wish we weren’t brothers. I wish you hadn’t been born… Because I love you too much, Alyosha.” He said giving up. “I try to be mean to you so you despise me, but you’re always there waiting for me. You and your unconditional love. I want it all for me. For me and no one else, not for your friends, not for Dmitry or the old man and especially not for God!” He said agitated, Alyosha was sitting stunned, tears running down his cheeks. “Why do I have to love you so much…” He kneeled down and hid his face between Alyosha’s legs, clearly hiding his red face and his tears. Alyosha leaned and embraced him, then he kissed his head and caressed him, listening to his muffled sniffs.

\---

After he made his confession, Ivan thought of what would be the best thing to do now. He was scared after hearing Alyosha’s confession too. “I would do anything for you.” Deep down it was what he always wanted from Alyosha, but he knew it would harm Alyosha after all. Taking his convictions, his identity, everything that Ivan loved about him. It meant destroying his happiness, the only thing Ivan would never forgive himself.

He put his heart aside and made up his mind. “This is my last chance.” He thought as he headed to the monastery.


	4. The Night Comes Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ivan took a decision and scheduled an end for his relationship with Alyosha.

When he arrived at the monastery, he found Alyosha and asked him only for a moment. He had taken a decision and although it hurt him, he thought of doing it as fast as he could, so he would not hesitate.

“I’m leaving to Moscow this Friday.” Exactly when did he make that decision? He thought this was the best for everyone, especially for Alyosha, who would then continue his life in the monastery without Ivan’s bad influence and their ‘unhealthy relationship’. Alyosha was speechless. Deep down he always knew Ivan would leave eventually; but somehow he could not help but feeling deeply saddened after hearing this. He did not want Ivan to leave his side.

-

Alyosha was sad and gloomy during the last days Ivan remained in town, but he did not let him see how much it affected him. Instead, he acted as loving and cheerful as he could. He visited Ivan every evening that week and somehow both were more relaxed now that everything had a scheduled final. After all, he was supportive to Ivan. He was honest when he asked him excited about his plans. He also loved hearing about life in Moscow; but whenever he realized he was about to lose his beloved brother, that he was not going to see him or talk to him until who knows when, he was deeply saddened. He laid quiet against Ivan, closing his eyes, fighting back the tears, and Ivan barely looked at him, limiting himself to rub Alyosha’s head and back.

He was quite aware that things had changed between them and he knew Alyosha’s behaviour was off. It was obvious to him that he was hiding something, that he was not being completely open. However, he was rather surprised at his own perceptions. He thought he and Alyosha did not share a deep bond, but he was quite empathetic to Alyosha. He never felt the same about any other person before, and it was surprising that now he was able to feel Alyosha’s emotions. His little novice never ceased to impress him and he loved this.

He suddenly thought that what made him lose his temper days ago was the fact that he was not in control of the situation. He realized that now that he decided on leaving, he had Alyosha on his hands. He regained the control he loved so much, and he found it funny that he could decide on their relationship and their happiness, looking at their situation almost in a detached way.

He moved so Alyosha sat up and leaned to place a kiss on his lips. He kept kissing Alyosha, making him lay on the couch. He did not even care they were in the living room anymore, he would soon leave after all. If anything was to happen, he was ready to take full responsibility for everything. It was as exciting as the first time they were together, even more now that they had professed love to each other, and that they knew they enjoyed each other’s warmth.

\--

The evening before Ivan’s departure, Alyosha did not show up. Ivan wondered what happened; he kept waiting until the sun finally hid in the horizon. He thought it was all right, if he did not show up in the morning, he would visit Alyosha tomorrow before leaving. The tea was served after dinner, the hours passed and Ivan was about to head to his room when he saw in the living room a surprising visitor: Alyosha was there standing, waiting for Ivan. His footsteps on the wooden sounded clearly in the silent of the night as he approached Ivan. He was almost like an apparition.

“Alyosha, what are you doing here? It’s past 11:00 pm.”  
“I wanted to see you.”  
“At this hour?”  
Alyosha approached him, placed his arms around Ivan’s neck and kissed him gently.  
“If this is going to be your last night here, I want to spend it with you.”  
Ivan smiled.  
“What about the monastery?”  
“It’ll be just one night.” He said, took his crucifix off, put it inside one of his pockets and continued kissing Ivan, playing with his tongue, eager for his touch.  
“Go to my room. I’ll meet you there in a minute.”

Ivan’s room looked as it had always been, except for a relatively small suitcase on Ivan’s chair. Alyosha took his robe off. He was sitting on Ivan’s bed when he saw him coming in. Ivan sat and took his shoes off. Alyosha approached him:

“I don’t know when I’ll see you again, so you’ll need a couple of these.” He kissed Ivan’s lips many times, holding his head, then he kissed him deeply, his breath grew heavier. He took off Ivan’s vest and shirt. Ivan was surprised at Alyosha’s behaviour. It was usually him the one who took over the situation and Alyosha was timid and docile. He always did as Ivan told him to. However, this behaviour fascinated Ivan and he giggled, looking at how Alyosha was undressing himself and straddling Ivan’s legs.

“What?” Alyosha asked, stopping for a second.  
“I love you.” Said Ivan, smiling.  
  
Ivan reached for his clothes, took a small bottle, spread some drops of its content and rubbed it all over his erection. Alyosha carefully stuck it all inside him slowly. It was already a lot of stimuli and he took some seconds to breathe in and pull himself together. He started moving his hips slowly, suddenly timid again, his face all red. Ivan noticed this and gave him a mischievous smile. He placed his hands on Alyosha’s hips, stroked his buttocks and his thighs. He looked at Alyosha’s crotch and thought of doing something about his growing harder erection, but then he thought it was not time yet. He grabbed Alyosha’s body and made him lay on the bed. He kissed his neck and penetrated him again. He thrusted hardly and the bed kept making quite audible sounds, but he did not care anymore. Alyosha’s face was red when he heard they were making such loud noises and he closed his eyes, embarrassed. Ivan slowed down and kissed Alyosha’s face, his forehead, his nose and his red cheeks. Alyosha looked at him. Ivan’s face never showed so much love before, he was impressed and Ivan loved seeing this innocent and honest expression on Alyosha’s face. He thought it was about time to make both reach their first orgasm of the night, and he asked Alyosha to turn around on all fours. Alyosha did as Ivan asked. Ivan lubricated himself again and left some oil on his right hand. He started thrusting Alyosha again, and with his hand, he began stroking Alyosha’s length.

Alyosha moaned and squeezed the sheets with his hands; it was always so overwhelming feeling Ivan’s hand playing with him while he thrusted inside him. Ivan loved the small arch on Alyosha’s back and the way his hips moved slightly forward with each thrust. He loved thinking that he was the only one who had the privilege to see Alyosha’s skin, to kiss and touch every inch of it. He stroked slowly until he heard Alyosha moaning excited, he then stroked faster and thrusted harder until Alyosha had an orgasm, cum all over Ivan’s hand and bed. He reached his climax after and came inside Alyosha.

\---

He cleaned his hand and the mess on his sheets and laid besides Alyosha.

“I’m glad you came tonight. I hope you don’t fall asleep.”  
Alyosha did not reply.  
“Alyosha?”  
“Hm?”  
Ivan kissed Alyosha’s forehead and stroked his hair.  
“What’s wrong?”  
Alyosha dared not to look at him, but he could not hold his tears back. Ivan wiped them with his fingers and caressed Alyosha’s red cheeks.  
“Alyosha, talk to me.” Alyosha shook his head, slowly took a couple of deep breaths and finally spoke.  
“All my life I wanted to get closer to you and have your love, being someone you could count on and now… you’re leaving. I will truly miss you, Vanya. I love you.”  
He closed his eyes, hid his head on Ivan’s chest, and burst in tears.  
“I love you too, Alyosha. Please don’t cry.”

He was planning on a longer night with Alyosha, but seeing him crying suddenly reminded him of all the guilt and shame he felt for taking him, his heart, his purity and his happiness. That Alyosha had been forcing a smile all this time, that he was actually hurting a lot for his departure. He tried to convince himself Alyosha would be all right without him, but for the first time, holding Alyosha in his arms made him feel uneasy. Perhaps it was because of Alyosha’s tears, because he knew he was the only one to blame for poor Alyosha’s sorrow. He wanted to run away, to disappear somehow and make their sorrow go away. Luckily, he was leaving tomorrow, but he was also leaving Alyosha’s heart completely broken.

The hours passed and he was unable to sleep. He kept hearing Alyosha’s breath, inconsistent. He fell asleep shortly after crying in Ivan’s arms, but he was also having a hard time sleeping, almost as if he was unable to fall in a deeper sleep. Ivan could not forget how Alyosha cried in his arms some hours ago. He cried like he never did before, and Ivan could only keep looking at Alyosha’s sleeping face, convincing himself that he was not crying anymore. Finally, he was too tired to stay awake. He started having many unpleasant and incoherent thoughts that at first woke him up scared, but at the end, he fell asleep.


	5. Melancholy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ivan has renounced Alyosha, but only verbally. He's passionate deep inside, but it doesn't really make any difference.
> 
> Honestly I hope you're happy with all your poor life decisions, Ivan.

He opened his eyes in the darkness of dawn. Only a second of stillness, only a second of calmness in his mind. Then a sudden hit of reality, he realized Alyosha was still sleeping by his side, and he remembered everything. He took a deep breath and covered his face with both hands. He had to depart at evening, but he could not sleep anymore. He stayed there looking at the roof; he did not want to wake Alyosha up. Wake Alyosha up... Wasn’t he supposed to wake up at the monastery anyway?

“Alyosha. Alyosha.”

He tried to wake him up. A dim light coming through the window, illuminating Alyosha’s blonde hair. He finally woke up to Ivan’s touch. He saw Ivan sitting before his eyes and he smiled at him. It was his purest smile. He was, after all, absolutely captivated. Ivan loved this smile. It soothed him; it made the world stop and his heart feel warm. For a moment, he forgot about everything and thought about not reminding Alyosha about the monastery. Luckily, Alyosha had already let them know that he was “leaving early for Ivan’s departure” he just did not mention he would also spend the night outside.  

Ivan was glad to hear Alyosha did not have to leave yet. He laid down again and timidly touched Alyosha’s cold arm. The summer was over and the mornings were particularly cold. He embraced Alyosha and they spent some minutes there, just cuddling. He could feel Alyosha’s fingers on his back; it was one of his favourite sensations.

The sun finally rose up and he got up before Alyosha, just to make sure nobody would notice Alyosha spent the night there in his room.

Later, they went out for a stroll. He guided them for the emptiest roads, through trees and bushes, just so he could grab Alyosha’s hand without no one in sight to notice. Alyosha was gloomy all the way. He did not want Ivan to leave, but he did not dare to say a word; he did not want to hold him back. He knew Ivan’s life and future was in Moscow, he did not have anything to stay for in Skotoprigonyevsk. If he stood more than he ever intended it was only because of Alyosha.

He could barely look at Alyosha’s face now. He could not stand seeing him so sad. He stopped and suddenly kissed him. Somehow, he wanted Alyosha to speak, to say anything. He was ready to do anything to put a smile on his face again and make him happy. If Alyosha had said a word, made a request, Ivan would have done anything. ‘Stay.’ He was even ready to do that for him. But Alyosha did not say a word, he just smiled and kissed him back. He was aware that even if by any chance Ivan were to stay, their relationship had no future, not the way they wanted it to be. They were brothers and there was simply no place for their kind of love.

When it was about time, they headed back home. Alyosha grabbed Ivan’s hand. He was tired and too sad to say a word, but he reunited courage and looked at Ivan’s eyes.

“Even if you leave, I will love you forever, Vanya. I just want you to know it.”  
“And I will love you too, Alyoshka. Always.”

Alyosha accompanied Ivan to the station to say goodbye. The sky was clouded, dim rays of light in the empty station. When the moment finally came, Ivan came to him and embraced him. “I will miss you.” Alyosha was crying, but he managed to say: “You know I will miss you too.” Ivan let go, he turned around and walked in the train. His eyes were teary, but he did not let Alyosha see.

\--

The weeks passed by and the cold breeze and dead leaves announced that winter was coming soon. Ivan had been keeping up with his job as a writer. Moscow was a very crowded and busy place compared to Skotoprigonyevsk. Waking up, reading volumes and volumes of books, making notes, walking with the crowds, meeting people as in a dull routine. All of this kept him going on and his mind busy. He barely had time to write personal correspondence. He heard from Dmitri in a letter that Alyosha had left the monastery, but he kept himself as busy as he could so he would not think about it. However, when the night came, in that big city that seemed restless during the day, everything was quiet. Ivan stared through the window and the empty alleys, a few lights in the houses reminded him he was completely alone now.

He would usually lay down on his bed and try to convince himself what he did was right. The sweet image of Alyosha’s face came to his mind; he could not forgive himself for what he did. He took Alyosha’s purity, he took his happiness and his smile, and he took his conviction and his own vocation. There was simply no forgiveness for what he had done. The purest creature, a gift to this chaotic world, he had been corrupted by a worthless louse.

He lost himself in his thoughts and it drained him. He lost appetite and he spent his time drinking tea mostly, which soon resulted in weight loss, and with weight, his physical strength and health decreased. He despised his appearance, but at the same time, he thought it was what he deserved.

Nights were colder outside and when he laid there in his room, quiet, his mind filled with all sort of horrible thoughts, he felt like he was being judged. He would get scared and he covered himself under his sheets, frozen and unable to move a single limb. The room was not that cold yet, the winter had not come entirely, yet he felt an uncontrollable cold and a shiver-like sensation through his body. He rubbed his arms and he could barely feel his hands; it was a very unpleasant sensation. His chest also hurt and the lump on his throat was unbearable. He was unable to sleep, half because of his restless mind, half because of the physical discomfort. The pain grew through his jaw and the right side of his head, he felt very tired, but overall he felt deeply saddened and angry. He had spent many nights like this and they had become overwhelmingly tiresome.

During the nights the pain had gone away, he would still lay on his bed and feel cold. In his mind, there was only one thing: Alyosha. What was he doing? Was he ok? He wanted to know. He wanted to be there and help him, but he also thought he was no longer worthy of such a privilege. Not after what he did to Alyosha. He felt miserable. How many nights he had been laying on his bed like this? Since when did he stop caring about the tears rounding down his cheeks? He was only barely aware of how much he had gotten used all of this.

He remembered the letter on his desk he left without replying. “He has become more taciturn; he spends entire days locked in his room. I tried to talk to him. He left the monastery. He thinks such life is not for him. I wonder what happened. He used to seem really positive about his vocation.”

Ivan thought there was no one to blame but himself. He wished he had not been so selfish claiming Alyosha’s love to himself, pushing him to his limits. He wished he had not loved Alyosha that much and that he had not loved him back. He was self-centered, he was awful and he had took all that was precious in Alyosha, just for the mere sake of satisfying his own ego, his lifetime complex. He wanted to have that deep bond with his little brother because he was jealous of everyone, he wished for this bond, he obtained it, and he left Alyosha hurt, sad and lonely, with no one else to trust and no one to help him. He felt the worst and he thought many times about putting an end to his suffering. “If death is truly forever.” He wanted to finish his existence, but he was not even brave enough for that. He kept thinking of Alyosha, how devastated he would be when he heard that his brother had taken his life, so he kept on living it. It was the burden he had to carry forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to give it a realistic feeling: a depressing ending in a hopeless existence. Thank you for letting me share this shitty story. And for God's sake, pray for my soul, for I'll sure go straight to hell after writing incest with Alyosha. 
> 
> Comments, questions, complaints, everything is welcome.


End file.
